life in a book

Sometimes I wish my life was like a book. That way when I feel like I do right now, I could just curl up in a big chair with a blanket and observe it quietly. I could turn the pages, one by one or in big sections. I could reread my memories and pick out little details, like picking up little shells on the beach to keep in my pocket. But mostly, I wish this so I could peak ahead, to see little glimpses of what is to come. Not like some people do; actually reading all the end first. No, that takes all the mystery out of it. But I mean reading a couple lines on one page, then skipping ahead and reading several more. I want to just pop around and see little snippets of my life that I don't know yet. What might happen? Who might come into my story later that I don't know yet and who will they be? Who might exit and who might stay?

I feel like I see most of my life in tunnel vision, only seeing my own thoughts and feelings. But so many other people's lives interact, effect and are intertwined with mine. Shouldn't I get to see their parts of the story in mine as well. If my life was a book I like to think I could do that. Maybe I could read someone else's story for awhile. Someone else's chapter. What is it like to be them? What do they think and feel as they lay in bad at night waiting to fall asleep? I want to get a glimpse of someone else and understand them they way I do myself, or let them remain a mystery, I am also to myself at times. I'd like to be able to turn to a page and find these things, even if it's just one little scene from their life that might find it's way into mine.

If I could sit down in a coffee shop with my life in a book, I could peruse through it casually. Just as I might peak ahead in a novel to collect little clues and details. As I said, I don't want to spoil it for myself. But, I like to know what to look for. Have an inclination about what is important, what to pay attention to or, conversely, what to put aside or just ignore. Which will be those little details, little memories, that I will want to collect and hide away just for myself like sea shells collected at the beach?

Is not general incivility the very essence of love?

It seems appropriate that this should be my first post for this blog. I had to discontinue my other blog, which I did really like, because I had so many posts about my own recovery from heart break. They were good and true posts, but part of coming out of that, is beginning new things. So this blog is one.

Having said that, it is also appropriate that I make my first post today. I have had several opportunities to take the end of this past relationship into my own hands and make extremely independent decisions of acceptance and decisions to move on. Today, was another one of those opportunities.

I came back from what could have been a really difficult conversation, feeling completely fine. I felt certain, secure, and happy about the decisions I have made and how I have recovered and moved on. Each time I have had a "meet up" like today, God has graciously held my hand and provided me with comfort, peace and hope afterward. The first time, I went to a mountain and cried and cried, surrounded by his beautiful creation and a promise that he would carry my through with a love that is unmatched by any other. The second time, I came home to a best friend ready to move on with the day and share simple pleasures of life like hanging laundry outside, taking pictures, and enjoying the place in life that God as me. This time, it was as simple as going to church on a beautiful sunny day and singing praises to God.

Of course I have plenty of things that I couldn't say I am "at peace" about. Goodness... of course. There are so many things I want, think about, long for, question, am super confused about, etc. But, at least I can see some of the threads in my life come together in a wonderful way, which gives me hope that others will as well.

It is good to start out a blog on a happy note.

This blog's theme is based on this quote (for now):

"When despair for the world grows in me, and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life may be-- I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and I am free."

So much of the time I feel "despair for the world" and "fear of what my life may be". This quote is a reminder to not live with anxiety about the future of grief, but to try to feel the bigger picture of what is around me, what God has created and what he has created me to do. To rest in the grace of the world that God made and to be free through Him, in little things, simple things, each day. And I need lots of those reminders...